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| ADDING SUBMISSIVES Stables. Harems. Multiple partners. Orgies. Slaves to do your bidding. All pretty alluring pictures. It tends to be a rather common phenomenon for many new Dominant's to become captivated by the ideas and imagery that such words convey into our psyche. Several things tend to play into these desires. Among these are the possibilities of living out several childhood fantasies. Most of us grow up reading and watching movies and television. A part of us becomes the hero or protagonist in the stories and we live vicariously their adventures, feelings, emotions and horrors. At puberty those fantasies move further into the areas of sexuality and exploration of the 'forbidden fruits'. We, as humans, tend to be drawn toward what is naughty or not allowed by the permission of our parents, cultures or religions. We often long to escape into something more entertaining and fulfilling than our rather mundane and boring lives, jobs, families. When a person 'finds' the BDSM community it is rather like finding a gift box. The unattractive boy or girl who was left holding up a wall at a high school dance is suddenly offered a banquet of opportunity. Unfortunately most of us have experiences of negativity which may at times influence our choices and decisions when considering tasting of these naughty fruits. It is important to remember that ALL decisions have almost invisible ramifications on the other people in our lives. Having the opportunity to add submissives into our world does not mean that it is something we must or even should do. There is a tendency to 'overlook' the possible damage that such an introduction may cause in existing relationships in favor of the 'ideal'. Many people have been 'discovering' D/s through the purchase of a computer and exploration of the Internet. Often these people are married and begin to explore bringing D/s into their home life after sometimes 15-20 years of vanilla marriage. This is difficult in the best of situations requiring both the Dominant and submissive to alter deeply ingrained habits, responses, thoughts, ideas and attitudes. Continued involvement within the online community will often present people with 'new' possibilities. Many people get involved with someone new because they are treated 'differently' than what they are familiar with in their real life relationship. Often they will talk themselves into the 'idea' that there is nothing 'wrong' with playing online. It does not take too long to get past that idea into the concept of having a 'second submissive'. At this point the new Dominant will often present this idea to their existing spouse as a completely normal and acceptable choice. There is pressure applied on the new spouse submissive to 'accept' this introduction into their lives and adjust to the changes or have their world utterly disrupted. Part of the problem with doing this is that within a spousal relationship there are distinct definitions of role or status which have been carefully built over many years. The introduction of a new, sometimes younger, more attractive person as generally a 'sexual' addition can create intense instability. The spouse submissive may be able to conceptualize the idea of a new person entering the relationship but may suffer extreme feelings of abandonment, loss, fear, instability, threat of loss of family structure, embarrassment, shame, and loss of status. Many of these feelings will be stuffed away inside. This is especially true if the spouse submissive is trying very VERY hard to live up to the ideal of the submissive that they have come to understand from the descriptions of this position mostly through online information and contacts. The Dominant may be mostly if not totally 'blind' to these concerns. Often a Dominant gets so 'filled' with their own presence, the opportunities and quite frankly blind lust that they marginalize mentally the true implications of their decisions. Many new Dominant's believe that they can easily 'handle' the needs of several submissives at once. This is not only difficult; it can be extremely misleading from an exterior view. Every submissive requires, needs and desires a sincere and strong level of personal attention. Given that such a choice is made, where is the Dominant drawing the attention from to give to this new person? In most cases we have jobs, careers, hobbies, children, families which demand a large percentage of our discretionary time. What little time remains available usually goes to our life partner or spouse. This usually means that the Dominant is drawing from their existing relationship in order to give to the new relationship. Coupled to this is all of the lives that are impacted by the creation of new ties. Often people will bring people into their homes because they have not the time or money to provide a separate place to be with this new person. Many have a desire for the second or third submissive to live IN the home with the pre-existing family sometimes sharing the marital bed. This is very similar to creating a stepfamily. All of the new person’s issues enter the family at the same time. All of their hopes, desires, feelings and habits are part of their package. This type of forcible inclusion by the Dominant can be quite devastating for the submissives that are part of this creation. The new submissive will often feel threatened by the old submissive and vice versa. Both will vie for attention sometimes using children or other issues to garner the Dominant's attention. Often the submissives will not want to feel the sensations they feel and will try very hard to blend together or get along. It should not be forgotten that vanilla standards continue to work, a submissive can 'agree' to such an experiment and feel they have been betrayed when it occurs. In many cases this simply doesn't work well and can be destructive in how the other people in the family come to view the actions of the Dominant, including parents, children and close friends. In most cases the risks of damage are simply not worth the often short term affairs. Sometimes secondary submissives can be added into a relationship if that is part of the objective from the beginning for all concerned. This usually works best if the submissives are independently close friends or sincerely drawn or interested in each other. Some submissives enjoy sharing a Dominant, co-scening, co-living and generally being in a poly or multi relationship. These tend to be the exception rather than the rule. In addition some submissives simply like to co-scene but have no desire to live with or have intimate relations with a pre-existing couple. In general a non- sexual partner is often easier to accept than a sexual partner. It is my personal opinion that this type of relationship works the best when children are not involved in a family type arrangement. When all of the adult partners are single, mature, independent and unencumbered. Communication becomes even more crucial when more voices are present!!! A Dominant needs to also consider and remember the extensive needs and requirements of a single relationship and accurately realize that they are multiplying the issues, needs, concerns, complications and responsibilities with each addition into their life. It is my personal opinion that this type of relationship works the best when children are not involved, whether they are grown or living with a former spouse and when all parties are honest, open and loving with each other. |
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