BETRAYAL      We go through life learning lessons. Or at least we're supposed to learn them. We're born innocent, open little creatures with no cynicism, no distrust, no hurt. As we grow, we learn that there are all sorts of wrongs in the world. Some personal to us and some that we simply witness. We have our feelings hurt, our trust shaken and sometimes our very souls shattered. Sometimes the pain is so deep, so intense and so overwhelming, we think we must be dying. Surely death does not feel this badly!      Then something happens. It's called "TIME". Time passes and sometimes a few days later, sometimes a few weeks later, the pain is still there and still intense but every now and again, a little speck of hope peeks through. We find ourselves with a smile on our face, that isn't forced or fake, for the first time in ages. We discover ourselves getting out of bed with our first thought being of how bad we have to pee instead of how bad our heart hurts. Gradually, it gets better. Step by precious, tiny, step. Often, we don't "get over it" but we get past it, or at least through it. Hopefully, we learn something. Maybe not to trust so easily. Maybe some warning signs that we missed initially. Or maybe that sometimes, there are no warning signs, no precautions, nothing that we could do to prevent it. We learn that we can either trust again, or not. If we don't, we lose the risk of being hurt so badly again. If we do, we run the risk of feeling incredibly alive again.      Does it hurt more when we're older? I wonder. Sometimes I think so. Perhaps it isn't that the pain is more severe but that there are other factors involved. Such as pride. We're older so of course, we should know better. Right? How can we be duped again? Are we so desperate to love and be loved that we intentionally overlook the obvious? Do we just stumble through our clouded judgment hoping that things are okay? Do we ignore the signs that our intuition tosses out? Or is it that sometimes in life, shit happens? What then, do we learn or take with us when the ultimate happens. When we're betrayed by one we consider our true soul-mate? We're older, we've been around the block a time or two (or three or four..........). We've learned from past mistakes and have all our defenses up, our precautions in place. We've sent out the minesweepers, done our research and after all was satisfactory, we began to lower our barriers and let another person in. Deep inside. Deeper than anyone has ever gone before. Where no man has gone before......... (cue Star Trek theme music)      I've heard people say that a BDSM relationship is more "heavy" than a non-BDSM relationship. That with BDSM there is more at stake than with non-BDSM, more trust involved, more exposure. Then I've heard others say that in feeling such a way, it's a somewhat elitist attitude and one that doesn't have a place in BDSM or non-BDSM. As always, I'm on the line. For me personally, I know that I've been deeply, deeply hurt in both BDSM and non-BDSM relationships. However, in BDSM, I am more exposed so the pain is deeper and much more severe and detrimental. While in a non-BDSM relationship I may trust my partner with my life, it's in a somewhat different context than when I'm in a BDSM relationship. For example, in non-BDSM, I trust my partner with my life as in I know that he won't put my life in danger by driving drunk. He might throw himself in front of a speeding train for me (as I would for him) or any other similar scenario. I trust my non-BDSM partner to make joint decisions with me and not to go off and make all sorts of decisions that would effect me or "us" on his own. In a BDSM relationship, I trust the person with my life to an extreme. He might have his fingers wrapped around my neck, a knife to my throat, have me hanging upside down over the patio deck or any number of other things. I also have to trust him to make decisions, that effect us both, on his own, sometimes without consulting me at all. So, for Wenchy, there is a difference. I do seem to give "more" in a BDSM relationship than in a non-BDSM relationship. (I'm talking long- term relationships here.)      So, when betrayed by someone in a BDSM relationship, do I hurt worse? Probably "worse" is not the word. I hurt differently, deeper and probably longer. There are more facets that are hurt. I've exposed more of myself, therefore, there are more ways to be hurt. In a committed BDSM relationship, I am owned by someone. It's as if I don't keep a "reserve" of myself to fall back on.      Then, after the betrayal, the decision-making has to begin. To forgive or not? To try again or no? Can I get past it enough to trust him again? For that matter, can I trust anyone again? Is the whole trust broken or just part of it? What guarantees can be made that the "shame on him" doesn't turn into a "shame on me" for being betrayed a second time? What does one do when their true soul-mate betrays them? Do we have to forgive and continue on? Do we have to think "Oh well, so much for a soul-mate. Will the second runner-up please step forward."      If we decide to forgive and continue on, how do we find the trust that's been shattered? How do we know, when the betrayer says "It'll never happen again." that it really will never happen again? When the betrayer says "I'll make it up to you." just how can they possibly "make it up" and fix it?? Can it be fixed, or is that part of the relationship dead and gone? If it is, can a new facet be created?      The road to hell is paved with good intentions and regardless of the intentions, unless the betrayer was in a coma, they most likely had many opportunities along the way to rectify their wrong-doing or bring it to the table. Does it matter if things happened with "good intentions"? Yes and no. Yes because at least they didn't wake up in the morning and think "Gee, think I'll go screw her over and watch the aftermath." No because betrayal is betrayal. It is sometimes completely destructive but always, always damaging. How do we know when there has been total destruction or "just" damage? Sometimes, damage is irreparable. Does irreparable damage mean the relationship is destroyed? If easy answers were available for these questions, then we'd likely never be hurt again. We wouldn't spend countless nights wondering "Why??" or "How???" or anything else that floats through our minds in the sleepless nights following the betrayal.      The one, true constant is this........ When betrayed, we will always have the, hopefully fleeting, thought of "Why didn't I see it coming?" and "What did I do to deserve this?" and "Again????" We have to ride those feelings and those questions. We will hopefully make it through not much more cynical, not much more jaded, not much more fearful but much, much more wise.      If we're mature enough and wise enough and able to eventually step back from things and try to see things objectively, we'll make the right decision for ourselves. Try again or not. It doesn't matter what anyone says. It has to be right for us.So, when in a BDSM relationship and there has been betrayal AND we decide to forge ahead, try to put it back together, give it another shot........ what next? How are the ‘roles' dealt with? Of course, the dominant is still the dominant and the submissive is still the submissive. However, is the dominant still Master? If part of the relationship before the betrayal was based on the blind faith necessary in any relationship, how is that part of the relationship salvaged? What does the submissive do when the dominant barks an order and it just HANGS there? For many submissives in a relationship with a dominant, the first instinct is to "snap to" and obey the order. Then again, if she's human at all, there will be that part of her that might just think "Who the hell are YOU to bark at me like that??" She still has to remember that amidst her jumble of emotions and reactions, he is still HER dominant. She still needs to be respectful. It is who she is. It is her choice to stay and try to make it work with him. Does he "deserve" the respect? That's up to the submissive and generally, if she stays to work it out, there will still be some elements of respect there.      On the other side of the coin, what does the dominant do when, once he barks an order, he's met not be the attentive submissive he's grown to love, but a frozen-in-time wild-eyed creature. She might not react inappropriately. She just might not react at all. Does he go right for the crop and start to punish? Does he bark a second time? Does he have her hearing checked?      There never seems to be a pattern to when the defiance might strike. The dominant can't possibly know when the submissive is truly struggling with something because of the betrayal or when she's slipping up and needing discipline. The only thing he can do at that point is pray for good judgement. It's tricky because if he doesn't discipline, he's lax and she'll pick up on it. If he does discipline, he's an arrogant prick who thinks that no matter what, she should be ready to grovel just because he says so. The guy can't win either way. Hopefully, if these two are pursuing the relationship regardless of betrayals and reactions, they have decent lines of communication open and they'll be able to discuss these occurrences as they happen. Okay, so it's a pain in the neck to stop the day and drop everything to discuss why she hesitates and it could get really, really old rehashing the same old thing over and over. That's where it's important to remember not to rehash what happened but to discuss reactions to certain things that might be part of the fallout. While the fallout is directly related to what happened, it is not the event itself and therefore, should be discussed. Not to death. Not constantly. Discuss it, solve it, end of story, go on to the next chapter. The dominant needs to be extra patient during these times. The submissive needs to be extra patient. The dominant needs to be extra supportive, as does the submissive. If they're trying again after a betrayal then obviously, they both think that the relationship is worth saving. They need to work together to fix it and they need to find the place to discuss things without getting accusatory, nasty or hurtful.      With patience, nurturing, understanding and maturity, things can work out and whatever the problem was will simply be a "bump" in the road of the relationship.

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